I’ve been a parent for 12 years now. Twelve long, hard, exhausting and mostly enjoyable years. So it’s safe to say if you have any parenting questions, don’t look to me for the answers because I’m still trying to figure it all out. But, because I’m all about sharing what I do know, here is what I’ve learned so far.

Most of being a parent is:

  1. Trying to balance love and support with avoidance and exhaustion.
  2. Honing your acting skills, pretending to be interested in the uninteresting.
  3. Trying to gauge how enthusiastic your thumbs up should be.
  4. Deciding what they aren’t going to eat for dinner.
  5. Giving them realistic expectations of life by walking around naked.
  6. Giving them the answers but making them think they did it on their own.
  7. Balancing ignoring them enough to initiate independence but not ignoring them so much that they grow up and blow shit up.
  8. Asking them about their day and spending the next few hours trying to avoid their answer.
  9. Pretending every work of art is a masterpiece while discretely throwing it into the trash.
  10. Trying to remember their names.
  11. Convincing them pants are a necessity when they’re outside the house.
  12. Trying to “dress up” your yoga pants.
  13. Cleaning poop, vomit and doing laundry. Sometimes cleaning poop and vomit off the laundry.
  14. Compiling a to-do list you’re never going to get to.
  15. Standing in front of an appliance.
  16. Convincing them that cereal is perfectly acceptable for breakfast, lunch or dinner.
  17. Forcing them to love their siblings.
  18. Trying to discover the Holy Grail of parenting: Me time.
  19. Drinking coffee to get you going in the morning and drinking wine in the evening to forget about the morning.
  20. Basically what I’m saying is, most of being a parent is trying to summarize what being a parent is like.