Okay so I’m not one of those people who genuinely love to exercise. I exercise out of necessity. And I mainly find it necessary during the months of May-August. I imagine myself with this hot modelesque body, but I don’t want to work that hard. So I strive to look decent, not perfect in a bikini. I give myself the, I’ve had three children don’t expect my stomach to be perfect, pass. But when I do feel motivated, it stirs up some major emotions.

It generally starts with conversations with myself in my subconscious ….

I had a hard time with my jeans this morning….

…..the dang dryer shrunk them

…..I hate going to the gym…

….then I find myself at the gym.

I feel FEAR when I walk into the gym. Will an elliptical be available? Will I have to use the dreaded treadmill instead? Will someone be watching something boring on TV? Will anyone notice I’m not wearing Lululemon?

I find my elliptical. I set my pre-workout warm-up to 5 minutes. I walk really hard for 4, stopping the timer at 00:59. It would be irresponsible to use all my energy in the warm-up.  But, I feel GUILTY, because every second counts when it comes to caloric burn.

“I  must, I must, I must decrease my…

I get distracted by this exercise overachiever beside me, showing off.  She’s been going at a pretty good pace for a while now.  Is there a race going on that I don’t know about?  My eyes wander over to her screen. I feel slightly SNEAKY, but I’m interested to see how many calories Flo Jo has lost.  OH…well, who cares, my sneakers are prettier.

I tell myself this is not a competition. I speed up anyway, my competitive side takes over. I increase my speed but suddenly feel NEEDY holding on to the bars, as it nearly jerks my arms out of their sockets. As I’m holding on for dear life, I see my neighboring overachiever looking my way. I feel VULNERABLE, because what if she looks at my screen and see I’ve been sweating my ass off, breathing like I’m 2 seconds from passing out and I’ve only ran a half mile and only burned off a handful of M&M’s.

I suddenly feel this burning in my throat, a DEEP-ROOTED LONGING, like I’m missing something. And I realize, yep it’s water.  All this exercising is making me thirsty. While I drink water like my life depends on it, drinking so fast that it dribbles down my chin, I scan the room to find the perfect spot in front of a mirror.  What?!? I like to see my progress.  I feel STRONG, while choosing my dumbbells, especially when I grunt uncontrollably under my breath as I expend every ounce of my energy. I feel VAIN, as I continuously, but not obviously (out of the corner of my eye) look at my flexed muscles staring back at me. But that’s silly, that’s what the mirrors are for, I turn to face it completely.

I always feel PRODUCTIVE when I’m done,  enough to want to try my luck on the ‘ole scale. I feel OPTIMISTIC when I step on the scale, especially when I recalculate my true weight subtracting 10lbs for my shoes, clothes, bra, sweat, hair clip, and of course the time of day.

But before I leave, I feel a bit STANDOFFISH when I get stares from people while I try to get the perfect #sweatyselfie.


Til Next Time,