If you’re a mom, then you know we’re able to do things without thinking. It’s like we’re running on auto-pilot. They come as naturally as breathing and walking. But lets face it, motherhood is not that glamorous. Sometimes it’s just plain gross, especially to someone who’s not a parent. Here’s the not-so glamorous list.

1. Hold our arms out to protect the passenger seat when we make sudden stops.

This is for the moms of older children who are allowed to sit in the front seat. Whenever we brake suddenly, our arm flies up, in full-on protective mode, because in the event of an accident it will surely save them…..right!

2. Evaluates the color of snot on a tissue.

Okay, this one is gross. But it has to be done. We were told by our doctor that if we see green snot then something’s brewing. So like the good mothers we are, we jump at the sound of a good nose blowing.  The motion resembles a scene from the Matrix trying to catch the tissue before it makes it to the trash, just to examine it.  Oh and lets not forget that due to force of habit, we find ourselves looking at our own snot too.

3. Smells clothes on the floor to determine if clean.

Hey, we mothers aren’t always the best housekeepers, so at some point in our day we are likely to pass by an article of clothing, maybe two, on the floor and what do we do?  Yep, bring it straight to the nose, because we have acquired the distinct difference between the smell of clean (even with our fragrance free detergent) and dirty.  And a little secret is, dirty isn’t always dirty.  I am the first to admit that I have had to dig through dirty clothes to find the soccer shirt I was supposed to wash, but totally forgot about.  But isn’t that what Febreze is so for? We keep an endless supply of it in our house, and no I was not paid to say that.

4. Manage not to trip on toys while walking to kitchen, in the dark, at night.

Moms are half ninja.  I know it and you know it. We have become fully capable of dodging those miniature toys our kids love so much. We could probably do it with our eyes closed. Most likely this skill was honed out of necessity, because we’ve stepped on a toy once and have a fear of it happening again.  But because they’re a highly effective way to detect an intruder and cruel to a half-sleep dad on his way to the fridge for a midnight snack, there is no rush to pick them up.  When we hear extremely loud swear words and loud thuds of him hopping on one foot we know he walked right into the booby trap!

5. Spit Cleans our kid’s face.

Your mom did it and your mom’s mom did it, too. We vowed to break the chain of grossness. But we saw from the corner of our eye, a dried stain of who knows what on our kid’s face. And all of a sudden our hand comes up, slowly makes its way to our mouth, our thumb instinctively emerges and hits our wet tongue, and goes right to our kid’s crusty face. And don’t let it be a tough stain, because we will do it again, same finger and realize….yep…that’s ketchup.

6. Runs toward the scene on an accident (at least when kids are involved).

Yep, we hear a scream of a child, any child, and our neck turns so fast we almost get whiplash. Our superhero senses are triggered and we’re ready to swoop in and save the day, armed with band-aids and anti-bacterial spray.

7. Grabs Boogers

Lets face it, if we are willing to have a second hand taste of what’s on our kid’s face then we’re not above using those same fingers to dig in their nose to get that pesky booger. Pro-tip..use your thumbs for spit-cleaning and the others fingers for the nose….you’re welcome! And, we wonder why husbands, hesitate, with tight lips for the “Welcome Home Kiss”.

8. Catches falling objects, sometimes kids.

Our reflexes and peripheral vision are razor sharp. Our hand eye coordination has been perfected. Whenever we see ANYTHING falling, our arm snaps quickly to catch it before it’s even close to hitting the floor. And yes, we have saved the day yet again. Eat that Mr. Miyagi.

9. Knows the level of pain a cry is.

After many years, tears and dodged emergency room visits, our ears have an internal gauge that can determine the intensity of a cry. It determines whether it will subside in a few seconds, needs special attention or medical intervention. We can hear it from great distances and can differentiate between which child it’s coming from.  

Til Next Time,

-C